I started having sexual feelings around age seven or eight. It is
hard to pinpoint. It started as a thrill for life and mental creative
stimulation. Then I started gyrating while fantasizing, making the
feeling get stronger and stronger. The feeling was addicting. Better
than my favorite foods or a day at the carnival. I knew nothing about
what I was doing. No one had ever taught me about sex. All I knew was
that it was bad and it made babies and even that knowledge I don’t know
where I got from.
Eventually I had my first orgasm (I think I was 10).
It was slightly painful but very intense. Afterward it burned like I was
chaffing. I was terrified that I had hurt myself in some way because I
had never felt something like that. Would I get in trouble if I told
someone? What if I start bleeding down there and I can’t hide it? My
face was bright red like I had a fever. There would definitely be no
hiding that. However it didn’t stop me from doing it again the next day.
All throughout my teen years I would come home from school and
masturbate the same way I learned how. Rarely did I have trouble getting
off from my fantasies as I explored them to the fullest extent. The
moments on my bed grinding against a pillow were breathtaking. Keeping
myself quiet was the hard part. That and if my parents barged in the
door which happened sometimes.
From then on my main priority was achieving that feeling whenever I
could. I would hide in the back seat of the van and get off. Once on a
long car drive, I leaned forward and rubbed against the seat in front of
my aunt. It was a bold and inappropriate thing to do, but I was going
to do whatever it took for the magic of sexual pleasure. And this was
while I was single and still a virgin. Sex is like a great historical
discovery that changes the life of an archeologist. They want to come
back to the site and learn everything they can about what they found.
For a long time it becomes their entire life. They want to take
advantage of it as fast as they can. The only difference is there is no
bedrock to stop the exploration. Even if you dig to the end of the
world, there’s still space and that is infinite.
